It is Friday and I am still pissed.  I am trying to move forward from yesterdays events but it is all still raw.  Did a lot of crying.  Woke up hard – faced and realised if I do not change I will bring negative vibes towards myself.  Got an opportunity to rave tonight but I am not the girl at the mo.  The little voice is saying snap out of it – I am doing my best – I sulk sometimes – can’t help it. (yes I can if I try) I am reflecting on yesterdays events and will now move forward because as I am still living in ‘the past’ I am missing out on today – ‘the now’.  I have scribed an email of complaint and action and will leave it for a few days to reflect on and if all is well will send it Tuesday- latest.  I will get on with plan ‘B’ or should I say Plan ‘A’ as this course was never plan ‘A’.  I am glad that I am a go getter who will bounce back.  But being honest all this ‘bouncing back’ can be exhausting.

This country (UK) has a huge issue – they find a dynamic, intelligent black woman ‘challenging’ they would rather problemtise her, stereotype her, devaluate her rather that believe she is worth listening to and is something great. 

Some people are born great, some people achieve greatness and some people have greatness thrust upon them.

Lar

I had a great day today.  I visited my old work place as a  collegue was leaving she was having her first child ahhh it’s all so lovely and I am happy for her.  I went in to see her off.  I finished my contract last month and I had not been in to see my work pals as I sometimes worked from home.  When I popped in to her leaving do they surprised me with a leaving present I was so chuffed.  You know what I really loved about where I worked in the voluntary sector - the team was very supportive, fun and hard working.  It was a pleasure to work with such enthusiastic dedicated people.  My boss the Chief Executive Julia was a great mentor and role model.  I will miss them.  They told me not to stay away to long. Sweet.

Following this most enjoyable visit I went to see DIANE and her three lovely children. It has been so long and oh my have they grown.  We talked, laughed and messed around.  Diane’s talented daughter wrote some poetry – sonnets – I read them out loud and her son played the African drums we enjoyed it so much we laughed until we nearly cried.  I had forgotten what it was like to be around a family messin’ around havin’ fun.  I was reminded of my childhood and the games I used to play with my brothers and sister.  I say good on you Diane your children are beautiful – you done good girl – I felt welcomed in the house of fun and left with a smile.

Lauretta x

I did it! I went for a walk – a short walk – after ten minutes I was my the local park.  I was glad I got out.  I moved here because my life had to change – I needed a fresh start  – be somewhere where nobody knows my name – somewhere where I would be ‘unnoticed’ -’blend in’ – only to realise ‘I am the only black girl in the village’ it’s hardly a blend – no really who am I kidding. 

I am fortunate to live near the centre of London – with a park near by but when I got there it was full of white people getting a sun tan.  I felt exposed.

Even so I stayed I read and wrote my journal after a while I spotted a black family walking past and tried not to stare – but I did – and they knew I did.

Still I like the change – it’s  a fresh start.

Lauretta